I just don't have any as many arms as an Octopus...

Oh Jesus! (Said with correct Spanish annunciation of the “h” sound on the “J”)

My husband took a patrol shift today because of the insane influx of special events leaving them understaffed. God he can wear the fuck out of a uniform. I have this strong emotional reaction of being turned on and being deathly afraid he’ll be shot at. It’s an awkward sort of thing...

He just got done animatedly telling me all about his adventures with transients this afternoon, and it made us both laugh pretty hard. I have never met anyone so cool in situations where being yelled at, threatened, demeaned and otherwise endangered as my husband is. His Tactical Communication skills blow my mind. It’s some sort of sick thrill for him…. And the things he does SCUBA diving which I interpret to be risky make all the more sense after days like this.

I am only one and a half hours away from finishing my “52hours.com” course material for my State test on Friday. I am so, so, SO nervous, anxious, stressed… So much pressure! I want this to work out SO badly I can’t imagine failing.

Tonight is a family dinner with some of his side, and guests that are out of town. I really do not have the time for it, or much of the mental state – given all the studying I should be doing, but I know it’s important and they don’t come around very often, and plus I could use a break from studying so… we’re going to make it happen.

Tomorrow morning I’ll get up at 5:30a.m. to be with a friend during an important court appearance as moral support because I promised. At the time I didn’t realize I would have this much on my plate – I couldn’t have foreseen starting a job that involved a career change. And I still want to do it and am going to be there for her, it’s just going to be a little more difficult to do. A few hours sleep lost for a friend isn’t that big of a deal.

Our former roommate is stressing me out far worse than anyone I think… Mind you, he moved in with us one month after we married because we thought we could help him out, and originally the stay was only supposed to be a few weeks, which turned into six months. He still has a lot of his belongings in our barn which flooded on Sunday so he’s coming over periodically (when we aren’t home, which is fine, since everything is in the barn) to arrange/collect his things to protect it from the weather… the issue is that he has a past propensity to stay at our house if he comes in the evenings far, far too long – like, as in, spending the night. Because, he doesn’t have a place to stay. I wish it would’ve worked out for us, but his six month rent-free time with us was just too much. And the lingering for dinner, drinks and movie time when not necessarily invited at the capacity in which he’s done it makes us reluctant to really want to have much contact with him. The staple visit includes much unloading by him of whatever woe he is currently in financially or in love, and then an equal proportion of grandiose plans for the rest of his life… I feel mean. He’s a friend. He’s just… unwilling to get his life together and I thought during his stay with us he would have done that but now I just see a pattern in which he cannot hold a job, a relationship, or even basic commitments without a world of excuses or laziness.

He has had three fiancés of the four relationships I’ve known him to be in during the two years I’ve known him. He’s held two or three jobs in about one of those years combined. He’s lived with/couch surfed seven of his girlfriends/friends homes in as much time (including ours). He’s had three or four pending “major” life plans to get him out of this rut in that time as well – such as rejoining the military, opening his own business, running a SCUBA boat, yatta yatta. The list goes on and on and I’m exhausted from it. I cannot help him anymore than I’ve already tried. Beyond giving him a place to stay and free meals, I played the only role in networking clients for his business, finding students for his classes and buyers for spots on his boat during the summer. I just wish at some point it would sink in that no one can change his life for him except him. Wow that was longer than I expected it to be, but it’s adding to my stress of people pulling at me in every direction right now. And even though he came and looked at the damage today, he’ll be back expecting an ear to listen to his troubles and some muscles to help him move his stuff since he “has no friends” that “care”.

I’ve already practiced telling him that he can’t stay with us again. “I wish things were different, but it really won’t work for us.” I know he’ll ask since Katie has moved out- Which was the only reason I felt we could tell him it was time for him to leave in the first place, that’s how little balls I have! And I made Matt do it. I’m just too nice! And how do you say no to your homeless friend?!

I don’t feel guilty – I did my part. I did as much and even beyond what I actually could or was healthy for myself and my marriage. So that’s what’s going on with that.

One more hour of course material is currently running down on the clock. It doesn’t mean I’m done studying, but it does mean a little less on the table to worry about.

Then it’s off to dinner. Italian… which even though my TV husband is Italian I’m not particularly a fan of the food. I don’t find it gross. It’s just never my first choice. (A battle I gave in to with Matt about the wedding, having an Italian restaurant as our venue. :rolls eyes: It turned out fine though.)

~ Looking forward to a double gin tonic with dinner.

More New-Job News

Oh! Such exciting things happening in my world! =}

Today, Matt and I had lunch at NWM and he got to meet the owner of the Financial Firm to hash out some of the details of my contract. I will be an independent contractor, not an employee, so I’m looking at a very decently challenging first year or two to get things up and running. However, I fully anticipate that I will reach my goals and grow my business exponentially in the first year alone.

I got a chance to get the real actual statistics on first year advisors salaries and I have to say, I’m very pleased. Even the lazy FRs and FAs make are making an average of  $50k/yr.

I personally do not plan to be anything but an exceptional Financial Rep, and I will attain my Advisory by July, if not sooner. The goal for first year’s is to generate 100 clients. I plan to do 150. (The “lazy”/”slow” reps are averaging 40-50.) My friend who got me this referral in the first place easily met his goals, and obtained his licensure to sell Investments within six months, and he has a far more inferior network of contacts than I, and a much more complicated life, with his wife not working and having 4 children with an adoption on the way.

I’m actually not worried about success at all. There will be hard days, I know that from past experience in sales. But there is always another day - that, I also know.

So I take the Life & Health test on Friday for my State License.

I was thinking today… I’m very glad I didn’t get this position when I worked for Wells. I might’ve been stuck there with a mediocre salary and the sales pressure that I  have only ever experienced to a devastating degree while employed there and I’m sure I would’ve been unhappy and/or disenchanted by the product with that work culture. I may have never been able to develop a passion for it, the way I feel that I am now. I can’t express how excited I am to become personally financially knowledgeable and stable. I can’t wait until I purchase my first investment. I can’t wait until Matt and I choose a type of Whole Life policy for me, so it can start accruing cash value. His Whole Life Cash Value was a real life saver for us just last year.

I’m also glad I am gaining autonomy. Being an employee is getting old. Granted, I have far more freedoms working for my husband than I have ever had before, but I want more. Freedom of course that I won’t totally enjoy until after a very good client base has been built. I’m not naive. Watching Matt make sacrifices for his business has shown me how hard it really is to be a business owner…

But, the things that are important to me, like the time off the SCUBA, was one of the things negotiated today with the firm owner. Next exciting thing!

He gave his stamp of approval for two SCUBA vacations a year, one every six months. How freaking amazing is that?? I could not have been happier. Not only will the time off not be frowned upon, but I will have the excess income to cover it this time, instead of Matt having to come up with a way to pay for everything. Shuweeeet ^_^

~ Blessed

Rain, rain, wash away my families pain...

Taking a break from studying.

So much of this Life & Health stuff is redundant, since many of the same principals apply to both. I never knew there were so many different types of Life, Health & Disability insurance a person could by with nearly unlimited riders (addendums) to protect oneself from unforeseen risk/loss. I was only ever explained to the different between Term Life & Whole Life insurance, and turns out there are several variations of both. It’s helping me a lot to remember them by categorizing by “good & profitable for me” and “bad  for me and profitable for insurance company”, as Matt and I are looking at buying a policy for me. He’s had one for years, ever since his first mortgage. Because he’s responsible like that…

I have this one recurring wish, throughout all of this, and that’s that my parents had given a shit to better plan for us kids. I mean, not like they don’t care…. But… my dad doesn’t. That is abundantly clear.

Whatever. I see it all clearly now. There are parents who prepare for their children as if they are their everything, and there are those that just collect or ascertain children like accessories without actually giving them anything but life. I’m not bitter, can’t you tell?

I have had baby dreams almost every night this week. It’s driving me nuts. It’s emotionally unnecessary.

I saw Katie today at Starbucks, we went in for a coffee and waited a few minutes for her to arrive since I miss her so much. I think it’s been a little over two weeks since I’ve seen her. That’s been pretty tough, but I have a lot going on to keep my mind preoccupied. She says everything is great, though, she doesn’t share details. I hope she is happy. She deserves to be happy.

My mom wants us to cut down Christmas tree’s this Sunday. I’m hoping if it’s raining we don’t have to go. But I think I should, just for her. I did skip Thanksgiving and I am skipping Christmas so I guess this is the least I can do. She wants us to “all be together”. I laughed and told her that sounded pretty awful and she laughed too. She finally understands and accepts where I am coming from with not wanting to be a part of the madness. It’s been a good year for me and my mom, actually. We’ve grown a lot closer than we’ve been since maybe I was … 13? So that’s something to be thankful for this year. Although, I still only hang out with her apart from my dad. It isn’t my problem that he feels left out. I can’t change that I don’t want to be a part of his life. I have (mostly) changed my hatred and bitterness, but that doesn’t mean we have to be friends. I still am cautious with my relationship with my mom, she flip-flops between logical thinking and rigorous brainwashed thinking depending on …. Well I don’t know what it depends on, but I put my guard up when she’s being all weird drone-wife. I don’t let it hurt me anymore. I just know she won’t change it, so there’s no use letting it bother me. For some reason I cannot bring myself to apply the same principle to my dad. He is inexcusably controlling and manipulative; his IQ is just too high for me to think he “doesn’t know any better”. In fact, I think he is quite tactical in his actions, and for the most part he has the family just where he wants ‘em. Though they are all miserable, in their own way, they still somehow love him.

My family has Stockholm’s Syndrome!!

I just made myself laugh. Hahahaha oh fuck!

Ooh! Exciting factor: I’ve found a couple of products that might benefit hubby’s business in decreasing the amount of work comp claims, and medical benefit costs. That’s been very …. Mmm what’s the word? It just feels great. Just in studying, being able to speak at our business’ lunches about ways to decrease spending or costs and I’ve actually been able to speak from an educated standpoint now…  If this is a glimpse of things to come, helping people…

I’m even more excited to start this job than ever.

~ Happy for Friday and the Weekend =D

If Will Ferrell was your surgeon...

Oh, I forgot to mention that I finally had my consultation with my surgeon about the breast fibroids, and let me tell you HE WAS FUCKING CREEPY.

I had to find a reason to excuse my laughter as a sort of shock that I couldn’t believe what he was saying because it was like being in a surgery consultation with Will Ferrell, except he was dead serious.

Oh, Matt and I waited for FOUR HOURS to see this em-effer, too. Which really pissed me off. Four hours, really? And some total scrote bag stoner came in REEKING like he had just hot boxed and sat there for THREE HOURS with us smelling SO horrible we drug chairs into the hallway to sit away from the waiting room.

The new plan is to WAIT till January (which would be about 4 ½ months since the ultra sounds/biopsies) and see if the things have gotten any bigger and the pain is back. Still only feeling one or two stabbing pains throughout the day, nothing compared to the constant pain I was feeling before.

So I guess I’m just off birth control indefinitely. No more hormones.

Matt offered to get snipped when I complained about this but I’m still so unsure of what I want that I can’t make that sort of permanent decision right now.

~~~~

Got my scheduling for NWM training down, and no worries about San Diego diving or the potential cruise we’re talking about for multiple dive destinations after Christmas in Tennessee with Matt’s mom and step dad. Of course, we’ve been so busy that actually buying the plane tickets has yet to happen.

Turns out, even before my contract is active I will be doing all of the prospecting, interviews, and underwriting for insurance so I will be making money the first month, which really alleviated a lot of my concern there, as well. I already have a couple family members that have expressed real interest, so that’s exciting.

And that is all for now I guess. =)

Independance is Isolation.

Wow, So I made it. I got the job offer from Northwestern Mutual and I go in today at 2:30 to schedule training. It’s now moving so fast I sort of had an “oh shit” moment this morning as in… What have I gotten myself into?

I have to be totally realistic with myself.

This means a minimum of two years of very long hours and days and constant prospecting activity for the job to make it.

Re-branding myself as the Insurance & Investment lady in my family, to my friends, to my entire network. It’s going to be a challenge. One with incredible reward, but nonetheless a challenge.

Phil, the guy who has worked with my hubby and his business partners for years is the one who referred me so when my stomach started to feel uneasy this afternoon I called his cell… I needed the brunt truth, the absolute give-it-to-me-straight, no frills truth.

He really put my mind at ease. I worry about never diving again, about actually making money with the commission schedule being so tough (and potentially rewarding).

He was driving to a meeting, but he took the time to talk to me. He reminded me that he’s a single earner in a home of 5, soon to be 6, and even as an underwriter at CitiBank he’s never made this much money. Okay, if a dad with that much going on can do it, so can I. I asked him about travel plans, about how we plan to go away for Thanksgiving and Christmas, and he said DO IT, do it now because you won’t have much opportunity to next year, unless you have a steady-packed calendar to show to your mentor. Okay, I kind of expected that. Sucky, but I have to remind myself about the reward of financial peace of mind. He also said, that, realistically, my situation is different. Matt is the primary earner in our house now, unlike his wife that doesn’t work…. He can’t afford vacation, but being as my own boss, it isn’t unlikely or unrealistic to think I can take a week or two off my first year.

Music to my fucking ears…

Speaking with Lockwood, my mentor last night, he told me possibly the most impactful and wonderful testimony of after 8 years, going to his 3^rd client funeral, the second this year. And going up to the wife, telling her “I know this won’t bring Tom back, but I hope this helps your family.” And handing her a check for $850,000. She cried, and told him it meant the world, that she wouldn’t have to move, or sell their home, or pull her two kids out of school and uproot their lives.

I almost teared up, I want that for my family, for instance, for Anna, when my parents are gone. This is a product I can get behind, this is something I know I can believe in, to help families take care of their loved ones and plan for a better, more prosperous future.

I am overwhelmed, I am excited, I am scared, and I am in shock. I never, ever thought I would ever make six figures or even close unless I went back to school. I never figured I could contribute to our future in this way, and I am feeling so blessed beyond words.

I feel like all those frustrated prayers I sent heavenward, God I need a different job. God, you see my finances, I need help. God, I hate this job, I really want a career. And longingly looking at graduate programs online for hours but having no direction whatsoever in where I should apply myself.

A totally random lunch conversation with Phil one day spawned all this, telling him my experience at Wells Fargo and how Financial Planning had sparked my interest as something they would train me to do… until I was laid off. I said all this casually, with no real enthusiasm – more just like conversation making, and he said “I can introduce you to my mentor, you should meet him.”

A conversation, a introduction. Besides feeling as though this was literally dropped in my lap from the heavens, I am also truly starting to see the power and magic that Never eat Lunch Alone has been talking about – never being afraid to ask for an introduction and connection to someone’s friends, coworkers, networks.

Connecting is not Networking, Cooperation is not Competition, and Independence is Isolation.

- humbled.

Are you interested in how the clock works, or do you want to know what time it is?

Boy am I wishing I had gotten my stupid flu shot a few weeks ago when my doctor offered. And the multiple times I was sitting inside Walgreens waiting for prescriptions and there were signs all over for it.

I have a fever, runny nose, achy body and headache. I didn’t work yesterday, so I can’t go home today… I mean I could I just can’t afford to.

I spent 5 hours doing Northwestern Mutual stuff yesterday, between new assessments testing and a two and a half hour long 3^rd interview.

I’m excited though. I will tentatively start in January. I have my fourth interview on Tuesday, with the owner and my mentor, to schedule training classes for the State Licenses and Certifications I will need in order to be “bonded” or whatever. Basically in order to sell life and health insurance and investments. Roth IRA’s, 401ks, 529 college funds… There is going to be a lot of head spinning in my future. The good news is I get four thousand bucks just to do training, which won’t take longer than a month.

My mentor is a funny, down to earth guy. He used a few curse words during the interview, which has never happened to me before. But while arguably unprofessional I wasn’t uncomfortable, it felt more real. Everyone cusses.

He was telling me about the incredibly high turn over in new advisors and reps, and why that is. 85% of them won’t make it the first year, and those people are the ones who, as he put it, are more interested in finding out how the clock works than finding out what time it is.

As in, the overly analytical, argumentative, I think my way is best types that can’t just work with a proven method or like to argue with the boss. I get that, I know some people like that, and unfortunately their curiosity is often mistaken for ignorance, incompetence or petulance. Of course, if those types of people don’t sell by the proven method of their numbers game, they aren’t making money, and not making money leads to unhappiness and therefore turn over. I told him “I don’t give a shit how the watch works, and furthermore, I don’t even wear watches.” He laughed. So that was good. :p

He told me of the owners concerns, because I asked him to. I want to know any doubts they have about putting me in this position. The owner expressed his concern over – of course – my lacking education and his perceived idea that I may not be good at prospecting. I guess we didn’t talk much about the enormous amount of outside sales I’ve had to do, and building a pipeline of clientele from nothing. That put my mentor at ease, and as far as the education I told him I understood, everyone else in the office has a bachelors or higher. I also told him my zeal for the “referral.” I said, “I know I can sell. You know you can sell.. But when a customer also sees that I have helped them, done my best to bring value to whatever I’ve helped them with, and they refer a friend or family member back to me, it is their direct confidence in me being reciprocated. I live for that. I always ask for a referral.” He liked that. I like that. I love meeting client’s family members. It feels so good to be thought of that way, to be trusted that way.

I told him that I am committed to working my ass off, and to learning everything I can, how excited I was at the possibility to get the education paid for, and that all I needed was the opportunity to prove that I am just as good at sales as anyone with a degree. He told me that was good news to hear, but to be careful not to get into a pissing contest with the male coworkers. “I know you feel you have something to prove, but the only thing that matters here is your work ethic. And that will show in your numbers, and on your checks.” Music to my ears. I left feeling overwhelmed after going over a 25 page long compensation packet. Overwhelmed because of how much there is to learn, and overwhelmed at the earning potential.

He asked me where I saw myself in this job. I told him, long term. I haven’t felt that way since I started at Wells Fargo, like I could make a career out of this. I am very hungry for my own success. He shook his head in understanding. Showing me how a 26 year old can earn nearly half a million a year doing this, if you work hard… felt like seeing his success mirrored out of my fantasies.

I know I’ve blogged like 3 or 4 posts about this job… it’s consuming my thoughts. I have already decided to pursue Financial Advisory even if Northwestern doesn’t work out or for whatever reason I don’t get the formal job offer. (Which I was told to expect in the fourth interview, Tuesday.)  

My dreams are of a vacation home in the Florida Keys, and a Mercedes G Wagon.

- I need some chicken cup-of-noodle soup now

tummy rumbling....

My car is at Honda for a recall/oil change/realignment and Matt is out on a business lunch with some big wigs at Sure West so I’m spending my lunch break stranded and starving. Oh, and Honda is charging me $58 for the oil change. Wtf? Don’t I get some kind of warranty/free service for spending eighteen thousand bucks on a car at your stupid dealership? Retarded.

I’m going to drink several bottles of water until I’m not hungry anymore. -_- I’m sure I could bum a ride to lunch with my boss’ and their business lunch with our insurance agent but I kind of don’t feel like being politely interested in whatever boring business talk I’m sure will ensue. I didn’t have time to pack a lunch today.

Even though I’m in a considerably good mood today I kind of want to be alone.

I got an amazing 8 hours of sleep. I needed it. My tiredness was adding to the crankiness. Last night sucked. Four more years of socialism. Blah.

Currently my favorite band is Florence and the Machine. And I liked them before they got all popular, I’d like to point out. I say so because I’m listening to them right now and Pandora is irritating me by not magically knowing my favorite song.

So we are inviting any friends and family that are interested, to come with us to San Diego for Thanksgiving. Get away from the boring same ol same ol and soak up some salt water & sunshine.

I don’t eat mashed potatoes (or any potatoes for that matter) anymore, I’m sick of Turkey and stuffing is always dry. I’m kind of over the social pleasantries, as well. It seems very forced.

I am however, very introspective about what I am thankful for. Thanks to facebook and everyone saying what they are thankful for every day in November, I am reminded of the things I am thankful for. Grateful, actually. I think that is a better word. It implies a little more humble undeserving, and less than a reactionary emotion. I do feel undeserving. I was thinking about it last night while I was patiently counting to 10 before writing and erasing about 15 different status updates that were all incredibly …. Angry/rude towards the libs.

While I was thinking about all of the unemployed over-populating left wingers I know… And I had to take a moment to try to understand their “I deserve handouts” mentality, and why they are such fans of distribution of wealth. Besides the upper echelon of simply short-term utopian idealism that we should help everyone and everyone deserves help, I get that even in my small circle of family the demographic is widely very low income and near poverty line individuals.

I can’t relate, because I do not struggle financially the way they do. Granted, I haven’t gotten myself knocked up repeatedly out of wedlock and didn’t quit high school to raise a child, which are choices that insured a path of life for me which didn’t put me in that percentile of most likely to become impoverished. Nor did I choose to not work, ever. I have never asked for, felt deserving of, nor even needed government assistance. While I feel the overwhelming majority are simply bad life choice makers, lazy or have otherwise chosen not to be the captain of their life & fate, I’m sure there are some who genuinely believe they are deserving of tax payer assistance.

I do think I am undeserving of the lifestyle I have. I am definitely blessed. I work hard, sure, but I believe God has his hand on my life, and has helped me tremendously along the way.

… Matt vehemently disagrees with the mentality of being “Blessed”. He refuses to credit any sort of “luck” be it bad or good to a deity. He one hundred percent takes credit for all wrong doings and successes. And to take any of that away from him is possibly the most offensive thing he can think of, and he has no idea how anyone else can respect themselves for not providing for their own life, let alone a family.

But then, he is agnostic, I believe in God. (I have stopped saying I’m a Christian. I don’t want in any way to associated with that.) I digress.

So. Yea. Feeling a nation’s economic hurt and pain and need, I get where they are incoherently screaming from… and from that I realize I am grateful to be in a position where even as my country is being taken over by socialistic idealism, and I will be fiscally effected, I will continue to work, and I will always continue to be in the group of people who don’t suffer.

To my own work ethic, I am grateful today.

- hungry

Team Romney!

So really bad day yesterday. Not the greatest today, but not as bad as yesterday. Only a small amount of residual anger flowed over.

I’m taking yet another assessment test for the potential new job at Northwestern Mutual tomorrow and have my third interview Thursday. (Did I mention there are SIX interviews? The fourth one, to my understanding, is where a formal job offer is given.)

I’m really noivousss. Today I received my annual salary trajectory and it will be $66-80k the first year, the higher earning IF I work my ass off in sales. But that’s well over triple what I’m making now so I’m quite happy with that earning potential. I can’t stop thinking about it. I was speaking with Matt’s financial advisor (the man who referred me to NWM) and in six months he’s surpassed the $45k mark, with little over 40 clients. I invited that many people to my wedding.

Rishinging to dig my own gold. completely money-is-all-that-matters typical chick.  I worked with in Target with bachelors.  staread a ton of reviews on glassdoor.com, and overall I’m reading a lot of great employee reviews. They are over-all pretty satisfied. Though, I did see a high turn over in female employees. Geez, what does that mean?

I’m trying to be realistic about my expectations but I already know they’re too high. Or maybe they aren’t, and I just don’t know what kind of work load I’m signing up for…

I have finally made the time to read Keith Ferrazi’s Never Eat Alone and though I’m not quite finished I have learned so much. Humbling, honest-to-goodness advice on building and solidifying relationships that I find to be invaluable. Life lessons to get rid of this slap-happy sales mentality and to learn to connect with people instead of network… I love this concept. It is so deep and human… It’s blowing my mind. Ferrazi teaches generosity not reciprocity. To forget “keeping score” of favors people owe you, or how many times you can call someone to ask them for an introduction or a phone number, but rather to seek to help everyone you come into contact to, to go above and beyond to listen to their needs and desires. All based on this “no duh” idea that if you are good to people, they are generally good back. A 300 page book outlining how to practice the golden rule and to connect with people on a more genuine and human level.

Matt always teaches that the opposite of speaking, is waiting to speak - NOT “listening” as you might have originally thought like I did. If instead of waiting to speak, I listened and heard more of what people said around me, I would understand them deeper, I would hear them with more than my ears, and I would react in a manner according to their needs.

ishinging to dig my own gold. completely money-is-all-that-matters typical chick.  I worked with in Target with bachelors.  star

I think this book will be applicable to all areas of my life, not just success in sales. And I have decided it will be a staple among my list of books I read at least once a year.

ishinging to dig my own gold. completely money-is-all-that-matters typical chick.  I worked with in Target with bachelors.  starI would like to think that I am a goal-oriented individual, but this book has shown me the failings in my character to the opposite. Not terribly extreme opposite, but I have never planned, executed and accomplished any real career goals for myself, and that is something I know that I must change. Ferrazi teaches that without a course, it is easy to find ourselves in positions where we are doing what we “should” rather than what makes us “happy”… a total understatement in my case, if you were to look at my resume.

Last night I was watching a new favorite show, 666 Park Avenue and feeling like my body might explode with rage as it was, a completely infuriating and terrifying scene came on where the star wife & husband were going to a political gala, he, trying to “network” his way into a job and she, the building property manager. All dressed up in her glitziest dress there to support his success and blooming career. It made me angry to be a woman.

I am often at networking and political events with Matt, well before I even started working for his company. I enjoy meeting new people and I’ve met some really, really nice people that are now MY friends too.

But this scene made me angry. I hate being arm-candy. Not that Matt has ever made me feel like that, don’t get me wrong. I make me feel like that, because of my lack of education, lack of career, general lack of self-success.

I don’t want to be this any more, I don’t want to be a wife with a job. I want to be a financial partner. I want to be able to make the mortgage if things are tight with Matt’s business. I want to be able to help save for our retirement, not just get the groceries because that’s what I can afford. I want to take him on a three week SCUBA vacation for his birthday. I want to make a decision about having children because I have a stable career and have saved enough money to decide whether or not I want to be a stay at home mom for a while. I don’t want to rely on one income to make our future, to struggle to put kids through college if we have them. Not that we struggle now, Matt makes more than a lot of dual income homes, but call me selfish I want more financial freedom, and I want to be the one to make it happen. A degree is a small stepping stone to making that happen, I know so many people who I worked with in Target with bachelors. Yes, a degree would be nice but it doesn’t guarantee me the kind of income I am becoming hungry for. And now I’m wondering if I sound like a completely money-is-all-that-matters typical chick.

Well. Wish me luck on the job interview.

- wishing to dig my own gold.

Pissed, uncensored.

I feel like SHIT tonight.

Be prepared for an angry, dismal post.

From a work standpoint, it was a good day. Put out three proposals. Dealt with impressive new standards of incompetence from somebody that’s apparently done this for years, constantly beeping my office for help from a “college graduate” and even though I love the person, couldn’t help but want to unplug my phone. Why? Why you ask?! Well. I’m not getting paid for this job like I thought I was so… I don’t know what the fuck I’m getting paid to stress out about? I have my own workload let alone figuring out a middle aged memory-addled “college graduate”s workload.

Everything WAS going well today until that. Until I was working on proposals for work I won’t get paid for and then having to deal with more work I… oh yea. Won’t get paid for.

I had to drive from North Highlands to Stockton Blvd in rush hour traffic to get a prescription that couldn’t be transferred to the Walgreens next to my house because their shitty systems were down. I called in the refill TWO hours before I even left. Took me 30 minutes in rush hour traffic to get there, and then… hahaha…

as I walked IN to the Walgreens some ghetto-ass, baby-mama with her cooch hangin out her hooker leopard print MINI SKIRT was coming OUT of the ENTRANCE and not only had the deficient understanding of literacy about her to comment to me to “WATCH WHERE YOU GOIN!” But then stand directly in my way as I attempted to enter.

To that most likely welfare suckling, STD carrying and over-breeding ingrate: Your pimp doesn’t pay for your breaks to buy off-brand makeup at the best drugstore establishment on your bus route, so please kindly get back on your corner and suck a dick.

Of course, with complete understanding that zoo animals often turn violent for no fucking reason, I kept my mouth shut.

I proceeded to stand in line for THIRTY minutes in the pharmacy line, being loudly “complimented” by more disgusting ghetto ass Mexican and Black men, of which I  would rather slit my own wrists than to acknowledge. I was mostly worried I would be murdered before getting to my car, if they saw my wedding ring, let alone overhear a pain killer prescription. I’m assuming the street value must be at least one night’s worth of 40’s and hookers – the seemingly chosen hobby, I’ve observed.

After ONE HOUR of traffic back home and fighting tears from my frustration about work, I came home to an empty house. I knew Matt would still be at work, even though it was late… But this whole Katie thing never being home anymore and talk of her moving back in with her good for nothing husband is really depressing me.

For obvious reasons. I am terrified for her, that she may just be going back into the miserable life she had before. I’m so upset with this I can’t really even articulate my fear for her. Of course, this is out of my control. All I can do is try to love her through all of her decisions and hope for the best. I’m also putting a healthy amount of trust in Eugenes innate and profound retardation to fuck things up again, and just maybe she’ll be able to have a happy life eventually. Maybe. I’m so fucking tired of seeing my sister beat down and miserable because of him. I usually skip the holidays because of my dad. Now I’m skipping them so I don’t bring a taser and do something that will land me in jail because of him. (Good job, btw dad! Giving your blessing and encouraging her to go back to his shady ass and refusing to participate in my engagement/wedding – SO WISE.)

That is another thing I’m all hot about tonight. Last night I watched a beautiful Wedding Anniversary party thrown by some chick on one of those trashy housewife shows I watch when nothing else is on.

I liked MOST of my wedding. But I STILL CAN’T look at my wedding pictures because I see my incredibly pregnant belly and feel SO MUCH anger, frustration, sadness and pity about that whole day. About how I didn’t know I was pregnant and probably killed my own child by drinking. About how my poor aunt Donna who did literally ALL of the work of making this event happen felt out of place when my parents decided to show up last minute. How my dad waited until 15 minutes before the restaurant was almost kicking us out to show up. How he was in jeans, when he wore a Tuxedo to my sisters wedding, helped fund it, danced with her to a pre-chosen song, walked her down the isle. How he did this to me TWICE. How I will never do anything that will amount to any sort of proper response from a proud parent.

I’m glad I’m not going to the holidays. I can’t stand my family. I can’t stand what they’ve put me through and made me feel. Most of the time I’m so over it, and tonight it’s just flooding all back.

FUCK I’M ANGRY tonight.

I could literally go on and on there is so much I’m frustrated with. Stuff I shouldn’t even be bringing up, but because I’m angry it all seems to go together.

I’m really frustrated with work too.

I’m so sick of feeling like a failure. Seven months of failing at this job. I have accomplished so little, I have nothing to show for it, and I’m at the bottom of the self-fulfillment pit.

I shouldn’t even post this, but since I’m failing at everything right now, why not fail with my personal image as well.

- Glad this kind of night only happens once in a while & wishing I had had a taser earlier at Walgreens.

Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here. (Reading Dante's Inferno, seemed like a cool title.)

I was a hot emotional mess last night!

I was really irritated…actually I was seeing red mad, to the point that I exploded in tears most of the night. I found out yesterday that my sales goals were double what I thought they were and what I’ve been working my butt off to make happen at Paladin the past seven months.

I finally thought I’d reached my goal for the October and November months only to find out that not only did I come grossly under my numbers, but half of the sales I accomplished don’t even count towards commission. I don’t know how I failed so greatly at understanding what was expected of me. I won’t take full credit for this failing. I think it is partially due to someone changing shit in an email I seemed to have either overlooked or not understood to the original hire agreement. Whatever. My abilities and skills are not a joke, I’m goddamned good at what I do.

It pisses me off just thinking about it, so I’m done with this retarded subject. I’m definitely done. I hope that the seeds I’ve planted will benefit the company for Matt’s sake but this has been… the worst sales experience of all the jobs I’ve ever had. Lesson learned.

Of course this puts me in an all new level of want for this new job. I want it so bad that I’ve reconciled myself to the long hours and giving up the freedom of our random Scuba trips. I’ve had my fun, it’s time to work. For me. I need the success.  I know that my happiness depends on feeling self fulfilled. I will do whatever it takes.

So I attended the training seminar yesterday for a couple  hours that the boss man “invited” me to. I saw some people from Wells Fargo I used to work with, a guy I never didn’t like, but I never knew him well enough, my vague impression of him was the type of sales person that did shady shit just to close the deal. :shrug:

It was great. It was inspiring. A lot of the information – well more than a lot – was totally over my head, having only a vague understanding of financial planning from my WF training, but the inspiring part were all the young, ambitious people in attendance. The intimidating part was some pug-face bitchy looking chick introducing people by their college credentials, instead of first names. “Mr. Young, meet Mr. Johnson, he went to (insert ivy league) and graduated with (insert three mba’s here)”

I mean, I get  being proud of your accomplishments… but I feel that it begs the question of low self esteem… Or perhaps a false sense of entitled intelligence. Or maybe I think educated people are stuck up pricks, because I haven’t finished school.

Among my bad ideas while pissed off last night, I went drinking with my sisters at their coworkers apartment, with all their Starbucks girls and THEN my sister took me home to my PARENTS while I was unashamedly drunk… We had a good talk. I told my parents all about the interview process with Northwestern while I waited for Matt to leave patrol and come get me.

The boss man had asked me a lot about my upbringing – maybe since he couldn’t ask about my education :rolls eyes: and I told my parents what I told him about the values of work ethic I had, how my dad somehow with one income provided for all 8 of us and a home schooled education to boot. My dad is a mean old cuss, but lazy he is not. He led by example and showed me how to earn everything I have. Paid taxes on my first paycheck at 12 years old on the Church Payroll. Fucking invaluable. I will never forget that lesson. My mom was all smiles when I told her how high I’d scored on the assessment, and how I was going to be the only female working out of the Sacramento office if they hired me. I think she’s proud of my worming my way into yet another collegiate position when everyone else around me has a bachelors or higher. Same with what happened in my personal banker class with Wells, she thought it was hilarious.

Personally, I’d be pissed if I spent $40-100k on a formal education and was offered $16/hour with a bank. I’d like to think I’d laugh, light the hire agreement on fire and chase the asshole around the conference table threatening to shove it in his wanna-be expensive suit.

Maybe I DO have a grandiose sense of entitlement about my skills and THAT’S why I got so pissed off yesterday. It’s entirely possible. But I’d rather like to think I’m just an incredibly confident individual.

That sounds better.

So we are off to Monterey in a couple hours. Camping gear is packed, dive gear is packed… I’m VERY excited.

This feels like I’m getting my life back, after a month and a half of medical drama and pain, this feels like normal.

- Emotionally unstable but currently satiated.