Oh Jesus! (Said with correct
Spanish annunciation of the “h” sound on the “J”)
My husband took a patrol shift today because of the insane
influx of special events leaving them understaffed. God he can wear the fuck
out of a uniform. I have this strong emotional reaction of being turned on and being
deathly afraid he’ll be shot at. It’s an awkward sort of thing...
He just got done animatedly telling me all about his
adventures with transients this afternoon, and it made us both laugh pretty
hard. I have never met anyone so cool in situations where being yelled at,
threatened, demeaned and otherwise endangered as my husband is. His Tactical
Communication skills blow my mind. It’s some sort of sick thrill for him…. And
the things he does SCUBA diving which I interpret to be risky make all the more
sense after days like this.
I am only one and a half hours away from finishing my “52hours.com”
course material for my State test on Friday. I am so, so, SO nervous, anxious,
stressed… So much pressure! I want this to work out SO badly I can’t imagine
failing.
Tonight is a family dinner with some of his side, and guests
that are out of town. I really do not have the time for it, or much of the
mental state – given all the studying I should be doing, but I know it’s
important and they don’t come around very often, and plus I could use a break
from studying so… we’re going to make it happen.
Tomorrow morning I’ll get up at 5:30a.m. to be with a friend during an important court
appearance as moral support because I promised. At the time I didn’t realize I
would have this much on my plate – I couldn’t have foreseen starting a job that
involved a career change. And I still want to do it and am going to be there
for her, it’s just going to be a little more difficult to do. A few hours sleep
lost for a friend isn’t that big of a deal.
Our former roommate is stressing me out far worse than
anyone I think… Mind you, he moved in with us one month after we married because
we thought we could help him out, and originally the stay was only supposed to
be a few weeks, which turned into six months. He still has a lot of his
belongings in our barn which flooded on Sunday so he’s coming over periodically
(when we aren’t home, which is fine, since everything is in the barn) to
arrange/collect his things to protect it from the weather… the issue is that he
has a past propensity to stay at our house if he comes in the evenings far, far too long – like, as in, spending the
night. Because, he doesn’t have a place to stay. I wish it would’ve worked out
for us, but his six month rent-free time with us was just too much. And the
lingering for dinner, drinks and movie time when not necessarily invited at the
capacity in which he’s done it makes us reluctant to really want to have much
contact with him. The staple visit includes much unloading by him of whatever
woe he is currently in financially or in love, and then an equal proportion of
grandiose plans for the rest of his life… I feel mean. He’s a friend. He’s just…
unwilling to get his life together and I thought during his stay with us he
would have done that but now I just see a pattern in which he cannot hold a
job, a relationship, or even basic commitments without a world of excuses or laziness.
He has had three fiancés of the four relationships I’ve
known him to be in during the two years I’ve known him. He’s held two or three
jobs in about one of those years combined. He’s lived with/couch surfed seven
of his girlfriends/friends homes in as much time (including ours). He’s had
three or four pending “major” life plans to get him out of this rut in that
time as well – such as rejoining the military, opening his own business,
running a SCUBA boat, yatta yatta. The list goes on and on and I’m exhausted
from it. I cannot help him anymore than I’ve already tried. Beyond giving him a
place to stay and free meals, I played the only role in networking clients for
his business, finding students for his classes and buyers for spots on his boat
during the summer. I just wish at some point it would sink in that no one can
change his life for him except him. Wow
that was longer than I expected it to be, but it’s adding to my stress of
people pulling at me in every direction right now. And even though he came and
looked at the damage today, he’ll be back expecting an ear to listen to his
troubles and some muscles to help him move his stuff since he “has no friends”
that “care”.
I’ve already practiced telling him that he can’t stay with
us again. “I wish things were different, but it really won’t work for us.” I
know he’ll ask since Katie has moved out- Which was the only reason I felt we
could tell him it was time for him to leave in the first place, that’s how
little balls I have! And I made Matt do it. I’m just too nice! And how do you
say no to your homeless friend?!
I don’t feel guilty – I did my part. I did as much and even
beyond what I actually could or was healthy for myself and my marriage. So that’s
what’s going on with that.
One more hour of course material is currently running down
on the clock. It doesn’t mean I’m done studying, but it does mean a little less
on the table to worry about.
Then it’s off to dinner. Italian… which even though my TV
husband is Italian I’m not
particularly a fan of the food. I don’t find it gross. It’s just never my first
choice. (A battle I gave in to with Matt about the wedding, having an Italian
restaurant as our venue. :rolls eyes: It turned out fine though.)
~ Looking forward to a double gin tonic with dinner.
