I've literally been driving from meeting to meeting ALL day :p

Well, holy moly.

I landed the third interview.

Found out I will be the only female (without a bachelors) working in this office. Super excited to not get any respect from the slobbering idiots (demographic: male, 25-35 age group, ego maniacal financial business majors) but the first year income is between $60-80k so I think I’ll live with it.

I’m so exhausted from this work day I can’t really must up enough energy to show how excited I am and how well the interview with the regional group owner went today.

I scored a 14/19 on the placement assessment, and it gave me a 36% above average success rating…. A bunch of tests to say “You’re a good match for the company.”

He was nice though, showed me where my office would be, invited me to start training at a seminar tomorrow… more like told me I’d be going. Haha… whatever.

I’m very excited. But no one can tell, because I’m about to fall asleep.

I need my bed very much right now. And maybe a well deserved glass of wine? I closed another sale, and received two more bid requests today. At least if I’m leaving Paladin I can help get them a few more clients.

It is setting in however that I’m giving up my “fly away” whenever we feel like it freedom. No more long weekends for SCUBA, no more setting my own hours. I’m giving up a lot of freedom and flexibility that Matt and I have to … basically do whatever we want when we want.. for 12 hour days in a cut throat corporate sales environment with only male colleagues.

Gotta keep the big pay checks in mind.

And if it doesn’t work out, or for whatever reason the third interview doesn’t pan out, I’ve resolved myself not to be disappointed.

Everything will happen for a reason, even if I can’t see it. This is one hundred percent in God’s hands.

- But a meager, moving chess piece.

My resume is ridiculous.

Today has been a busy one. It isn’t often I don’t get to take my first break until 4p.m.

But! I did get a contract in today, and put out two bids yesterday. October and November will be the first months I’ve achieved above my sales goal and actually earned commission. (So what if it’s $60, I still did it. LOL)

Speaking of employment, I really hope this doesn’t jinx it but I’ve been invited back for a second interview at Northwester Mutual. I’m SO excited, and I really want this position. I will finally have the opportunity to get my series 6 & 63 licensing paid for. The benefits package alone is absolutely amazing… If I decide to go forward with my very long talked about plans for University of Phoenix, there is a list of BS and Masters programs they will fully fund. Are you kidding me? Just mind blowing.

The lowest annual compensation schedule is $15k more than I’m making now, and with unlimited commission potential, I could actually earn as hard as I work, finally.

The first interview went very well, I meet with the Financial Group Regional owner tomorrow, and I passed the Financial Advisory Assessment with a 92%, booyah. ;)

With my series 63 I’ll finally be able to get into the investment side of financial services, which is something I had my eye on while working at Wells Fargo.

Oh. Not only will I be able to help people fiscally plan for a better future (I can’t wait for the first time I help someone so thoroughly they love me for it.) I will be making 80% commission on every dollar I sell.

I want this job. So. Bad. Matt is fully on board… Oh! That’s another incredibly accommodating thing I was invited to do, ask him to accompany me to the interview, to see if he had questions perhaps that I couldn’t think of.

I was referred through one of Matt’s current Financial Adviser/Agent, who has a similar background as mine. He has four little kids and a wife who doesn’t work and makes six figures.

The coolest (and scariest) thing to me is that all of the current Reps and Advisers all have education in this area and I do not. Of course, there is 5 weeks of paid training, but I don’t know if that can replace four or more years of formal education in economics, finance and business.

I kind of wonder if it will hinder me from getting the position. I wouldn’t be necessarily surprised I guess, though I would be disappointed.

I’m challenged at Paladin, for sure, but the earning potential is simply not an option right now, and I have wanted for a very long time to be an equal earner in the household, to be able to partner with him in that way. If I could also bring home $60k+ a year… and get my degree… and find a challenging sales oriented job that I could actually believe in the product… I literally can’t think of anything more amazing for our future.

- Excited and Hopeful.

Mad married momma's are ruining it for me.

Let the Thanksgiving dinner invitations commence =P

It isn’t even November yet and we’ve gotten three! I wish I could multiply myself around the Holidays and make every dinner so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings. But that just isn’t possible. I’m only one chick, and I’m stressed enough as it is… I can’t allow myself to feel guilty for sneaking away for the Holidays.

We are fairly certain that we are going to San Diego with our Thanksgiving days off, unless my surgeon can pull a miracle and get me in sooner than the tentatively scheduled 29^th. This would be ideal, not because I want to spend my days off recovering but because I am truly ready to get it over and done with, and to be rid of this pain.

I am doing everything the doctors have told me to do.

I am off birth control. (yikes.) I am taking 1000 units of Vitamin E every day. I am taking Evening Primrose Oil. I am taking pain killers for pain as it comes, mostly once a day – it varies, sometimes in the afternoon others in the evening.

I cannot pin point what brings it on, if anything specific, but it seems this last week has been a lot better with the pain. The constant sensitivity is gone, and I only feel stabbing pains once or twice a day, instead of every hour/half hour. I’m guessing the biggest factor was eliminating the extra hormones in my body?

A new incredibly annoying symptom, I’m assuming from stopping the birth control, is acne. I’ve been referring to myself as Pizza-face all weekend. I kept makeup off of it, used Proactive…. It got WORSE.  I haven’t had this much acne since I was FIFTEEN. It’s so gross and unattractive. UGHHH.

The being off birth control is absolutely the most frustrating part of this whole damn ordeal.

Even with an above average dual income we cannot financially afford an unplanned pregnancy right now. Not and still keep our current lifestyle. The dive travel would immediately end. The movie nights and dinner dates would immediately end. All of the “fun” things we spend our extra money on would end. Meaning our actual fun would end.

And maybe our marriage would turn from happy and relatively carefree to tense, stressful, sleepless… we might actually start arguing like a normal married couple. Matt would be so stressed about another responsibility added to the 100+ something work kids he already has to make sure are provided for but then another one at home… and most of the parenting would fall to me, because he’s already so busy…and we might come to  resent each other. I wouldn’t want to work, and that would add to the financial stress…

I am of course thinking of the worst case scenario, but in my minds eye I do see an unplanned and unprepared for pregnancy as the domino effect towards marital implosion for us.

I would want to have a significant amount of money set aside before we even talked about having children. I am not naive, I have read the stats on what it costs to raise a child, just in the first five years it’s over $70k. That doesn’t include the “responsible” stuff to do either, like a college fund and 12 year school fund – which would cost us even more since I already know that I believe in Home Schooling, which, done effectively includes a lot of extra curricular activities… band, instruments, speech, sports, uniforms, co-op classes, phys. ed groups, 4-H, animals & feed, annual State testing and half of 18 years in gas expenses spent chauffeuring them around to all of this stuff…

Of course that’s IF Matt doesn’t leave me first during the pregnancy because of what a cranky bitch I’ll be for 10 months…

Stresses me out just thinking about a potential love-child coming out of this whole mess. Jesus, have mercy.

See what I did there, that’s how my mind works. Tangents that end in doom.

:deep breaths:

But hey. I’m glad I think this way. I’m glad I over analyze and over plan. People keep telling me the stupidest stuff.

“You’ll never be able to afford a child, you just have to deal with it as it comes.” – that is not how I want to live my life, struggling financially, so… you’re dumb.

“There’s never a right time to have children.” – There’s obviously a litany of wrong times and you’re simply justifying your ill-preparedness… so… you’re dumb.

“Men are never ready, but once the baby comes they adjust naturally.” – Why would anyone want to live with a man they forced change upon? Some men truly are not ready and become very depressed/resentful of their lives so…. you’re….selfish. and dumb.

Rant rant rant. I’m very tired of this topic. And yet I can’t stop thinking about it, and it’s everywhere I go and it’s everyone/ever where I see.

I think I could be a mother, maybe someday. But I literally don’t see many marriages that don’t suffer as a result of children. And it scares and saddens me.

Saturday we went to San Jose to see family, and at the end of the evening we all crowded in the kitchen to drink coffee and have birthday cake, and it felt so… warm and homey. And I looked into our future and I saw an empty kitchen. With no kids to visit or grandkids to visit us and I wondered if that’s really what I want…

- Confused as ever =P

What doesn't kill me...

I made it! All week I got up at the alarm. My eyes are little bloodshot, but I did it.

Yesterday I only made a half day at work, I was nauseous and dizzy and couldn’t hold anything down till almost after 7p.m. So that was embarrassing, we share a two-stall bathroom with one other company in our building and I was ralfing like a demon was trying to escape my throat while a line built up with women trying to figure out which office I was from and was I ok? I could barely breathe between dry-heaves and I wanted to scream. Who asks an actively vomiting person if they are OKAY?

Of course, now everyone at my work thinks I’m pregnant.

Matt and I have decided to go to San Diego for Thanksgiving, and Tennessee most likely for Christmas, to be with my in-laws. I know it’s not a common sentiment with a lot of wives, but I actually really miss my mother in law. (How many women have you heard say THAT? Lol) Of course that trip will be contingent on my surgery at the end of November and healing time.

I had hoped to get out of the country during the holidays, to do some real blue-water diving, but it just isn’t good timing. The new idea is to plan something for spring, so we have plenty of time to save and make it a long one… at least a three week dive vacation to somewhere with world-famous underwater sight seeing.. Maldives, Palau, Belize, Fiji, and Philippines are at the top of our list. :sigh: just talking about it makes me smile and relax, and it’s encouraged me to stop all nefarious spending, so I’m becoming pretty proud of my savings, as a side note.

I have a new goal in mind for returning to the gym, a phase-in starting next week at least twice. It isn’t to lose weight, or to get ripped. I simply want to increase my physical endurance a little before our trip. Hopefully the end result with some physical activity will be that my back becomes stronger and the pain less intense.

I will do Spin class (Bike riding) and some beginners Yoga I think. No weight lifting, I was strictly advised by my doctors to carefully avoid any work outs that would use or involve my chest, as the fibroids could move around or become more painful. Maybe some squats for my divers legs, though. Strong legs come in handy for long surface swims.

Now that I have a dangling carrot in front of me, a goal and the reward of dive travel, I feel emotionally great. I needed something to look forward to, to prepare/work towards.

With sharing my medical drama here, I have received some incredible, incredible, beyond incredible support, advice, phone calls and general love from my friends. So many of my girlfriends are coming out of the woodwork with their personal stories, and their family members stories, assuaging my fear of the surgery and subsequent scaring.

It has been… an overwhelming experience to hear how much everyone cares about me, cares that I’m going through this, and want to be there for me.

Mom, Jessica, Katie, Vera, Cami, Allison, Sara, Emily, Delynn, Lacie, April, Jen & Keith, Taylor & Katie, Michael, Aunt Donna, Aunt Sarah, Aunt Mayra… I can’t really describe how much your love, kind words and uplifting spirits have meant to me. The ability to share with you and that you’ve listened, also means so much. I feel special. (Short bus special, as Keith would say. :p)

I think I waited to share because I felt it was a silly attention grabbing thing to do on facebook, but I’m glad I shared, I didn’t realize how much I needed to feel the love and support that I feel now.

I have spent many, many nights crying and being scared and feeling hopeless that the pain would never end, but now I just feel like I’m at least 50% of the way done with this. I see a light at the end of the tunnel, and positive words are part of helping me see that.

I know it’s early, but I can’t help but start to think of all the things I am thankful for this year. And you are all a part of that list! <3<3

Kick the cranky...

Today’s lunch break is a questionably smelling cabbage salad I made yesterday and hard boiled egg whites.

And I forgot to wear deodorant today, I just noticed. LOL.

God, it is so easy to want to start a journal entry with complaints!

But I stopped my pity party thought process before I started typing it so, yay for me!

The past two days I’ve MADE myself get out of bed at 7:30, a gigantic feat. It accomplished at least not being woken up by pain. I hate that alarm, but it’s better than stabbing and searing pains in my chest. I’ve been lazy. I’ve been hurting, but I’ve also been lazy. Not to my credit, I had to get up, due to meetings and early doctor appointments. But I think I will just leave the alarm the way it is. I’m going to be hurting regardless of if I lay for another hour or two or if I go into work earlier, so up earlier it is.

I got a new medication yesterday (I mentioned at the end) that kicked my ass, way too strong. I’ll have to start cutting those in half… I questioned whether I should even drive myself home yesterday evening, I felt so foggy. However, the residual effect (even hours later) was that when Scar at full speed pounced on my half laying form last night, paws colliding mercilessly with my chest, the pain wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be, and I only half got the wind knocked out of me.

Actually, I’ve been battling the pity-party thought process since yesterday evening. I was sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself when I realized how miserable it was making me, and to shut up and focus on all the things I’m grateful for. It worked.

I started thinking about my over all health, I’m not terminally ill, I have all my limbs functioning… I need to stop and remember that more often than I want to bury my face in a pillow and wail about my pain. I began to think of Matt, and how incredibly lightening-doesn’t-strike-twice lucky I am to be in such a happy marriage, to not be in a home where quarrelling happens, where frustrations of the day aren’t taken out on me, but rather neatly compartmentalized in a box left at his office… To be able to turn on my heater last night and not fret about the electric bills… I am so unfathomably unworthy of my blessings that I am overwhelmed when I try to count them, and I’m sitting on a couch in front of a giant flat screen feeling sorry for myself? I chastised myself briefly and then felt peace. It worked, making myself stop the pity party and remember how good I have it.

Yes, physically things are crap at the moment, but they could be worse. Overall, I’m still a happy woman, with a job, a full time husband with a full time career, a cozy home and my broken-in-the-head dog.

I’m going to apply myself to remembering that more often throughout the day, every day.

Save Second Base...

I’ve missed blogging. I’ve been following a number of friends bloggers, and a few anonymous ones. Mostly I miss writing and sharing.

Today, after spending three hours in yet another hospital, I’m ready to share with my friends and family my latest Medical news, which I have carefully tried not to allude to on Facebook for a little over 4 weeks now… I just wasn’t ready. And Facebook seems like a silly way to announce to the world you’re going to have surgery.

I’ve been diagnosed with Fibrocystic Breast Disease, and I have a total of five nodules/fibroadenoma’s in both breasts. Everything is currently benign.

After ultra sounds, biopsy’s, blood work, examinations and most of my “fun” money on co-pay’s and prescriptions, I have been scheduled for an MRI and have a consultation with a surgeon in two weeks. I have now gotten three opinions on the surgery, and although I am devastated to face multiple scars on my breasts, I am convinced and resigned to the fact that this has to happen.

Although pronounced benign, the common opinion is that the tissue is a sitting housing for possible malignant grown in the future. And with no known breast cancer on either side of the family, I wouldn’t be going in for my first mammogram until I was forty. Although now I will have radiological check ups every nine months until I am thirty, when I will have my first mammogram.

*The reason I have not yet had one, is because for my age my breast tissue is very dense, and only shows up white on a mammogram, which camouflages the also white nodules.

Everything has escalated in one short month all the way to surgery because I’ve been in consistent active pain the entire time. The MRI (And possible spinal x-ray) will determine if there are any other factors causing the pain, as they believe the level of pain to be inconsistent with the fibroids. The pain in my back (I’ve also been seeing a chiropractor every week) may or may not be related.

So. That’s that. I’m not sad, per say. I probably will be devastated when I get my first look at the incision scars after surgery, but right now I can’t think about that. I’m mostly angry that before today, meeting with my new gyno, I felt like none of the radiological, primary care, or pharmacists could get their story straight and talk to each other before farming out the referrals, giving me conflicting prescriptions and advice and all within 5-10 minute visits in and out. I am not a farm animal to be herded! Gah. And I’m depressed. Everything hurts. Car rides – every bump in the road depending my pain level is either uncomfortable to absolutely torturous. I can’t SCUBA, obviously, as I can barely put on a bra without cringing, I cannot fathom squeezing on a wetsuit and carrying 70 lbs of gear on my back. And with impending surgery and recovery time my Holiday dive plans are ruined, unless I over-do it, and SCUBA anyways. Which I am seriously considering. Screw it, I’m already in pain, right?

I certainly welcome prayers and positive thoughts, but I’d truly appreciate it if we could not speak about this on Facebook. There are only a select few of close friends I know who will read this, and the other 250 friends on facebook don’t need to know :p

Thank you for reading, and for your concern. Love you all much!

- A semi-drugged lunch breaker.