Let the Thanksgiving dinner invitations commence =P
It isn’t even November yet and we’ve gotten three! I wish I
could multiply myself around the Holidays and make every dinner so as not to
hurt anyone’s feelings. But that just isn’t possible. I’m only one chick, and I’m
stressed enough as it is… I can’t allow myself to feel guilty for sneaking away
for the Holidays.
We are fairly certain that we are going to San
Diego with our Thanksgiving days off, unless my
surgeon can pull a miracle and get me in sooner than the tentatively scheduled 29th.
This would be ideal, not because I want to
spend my days off recovering but because I am truly ready to get it over and
done with, and to be rid of this pain.
I am doing everything
the doctors have told me to do.
I am off birth control. (yikes.) I am taking 1000 units of
Vitamin E every day. I am taking Evening Primrose Oil. I am taking pain killers
for pain as it comes, mostly once a day – it varies, sometimes in the afternoon
others in the evening.
I cannot pin point what brings it on, if anything specific,
but it seems this last week has been a lot better with the pain. The constant
sensitivity is gone, and I only feel stabbing pains once or twice a day,
instead of every hour/half hour. I’m guessing the biggest factor was
eliminating the extra hormones in my body?
A new incredibly annoying symptom, I’m assuming from stopping
the birth control, is acne. I’ve been referring to myself as Pizza-face all
weekend. I kept makeup off of it, used Proactive…. It got WORSE. I haven’t had this much acne since I was
FIFTEEN. It’s so gross and unattractive. UGHHH.
The being off birth control is absolutely the most
frustrating part of this whole damn ordeal.
Even with an above average dual income we cannot financially
afford an unplanned pregnancy right now. Not and still keep our current
lifestyle. The dive travel would immediately end. The movie nights and dinner
dates would immediately end. All of the “fun” things we spend our extra money
on would end. Meaning our actual fun would end.
And maybe our marriage would turn from happy and relatively
carefree to tense, stressful, sleepless… we might actually start arguing like a
normal married couple. Matt would be so stressed about another responsibility
added to the 100+ something work kids he already has to make sure are provided
for but then another one at home… and most of the parenting would fall to me, because
he’s already so busy…and we might come to resent each other. I wouldn’t want to work,
and that would add to the financial stress…
I am of course thinking of the worst case scenario, but in
my minds eye I do see an unplanned and unprepared for pregnancy as the domino
effect towards marital implosion for us.
I would want to have a significant
amount of money set aside before we even talked about having children. I am not naive, I have read the stats
on what it costs to raise a child, just in the first five years it’s over $70k.
That doesn’t include the “responsible” stuff to do either, like a college fund
and 12 year school fund – which would cost us even more since I already know that
I believe in Home Schooling, which, done effectively includes a lot of extra curricular activities…
band, instruments, speech, sports, uniforms, co-op classes, phys. ed groups,
4-H, animals & feed, annual State testing and half of 18 years in gas
expenses spent chauffeuring them around to all of this stuff…
Of course that’s IF Matt doesn’t leave me first during the
pregnancy because of what a cranky bitch I’ll be for 10 months…
Stresses me out just thinking about a potential love-child
coming out of this whole mess. Jesus, have mercy.
See what I did there, that’s how my mind works. Tangents
that end in doom.
:deep breaths:
But hey. I’m glad I think this way. I’m glad I over analyze
and over plan. People keep telling me the stupidest
stuff.
“You’ll never be able to afford a child, you just have to
deal with it as it comes.” – that is not how I want to live my life, struggling
financially, so… you’re dumb.
“There’s never a right time to have children.” – There’s
obviously a litany of wrong times and
you’re simply justifying your ill-preparedness… so… you’re dumb.
“Men are never ready, but once the baby comes they adjust
naturally.” – Why would anyone want to live with a man they forced change upon?
Some men truly are not ready and
become very depressed/resentful of their lives so…. you’re….selfish. and dumb.
Rant rant rant. I’m very tired of this topic. And yet I can’t
stop thinking about it, and it’s everywhere I go and it’s everyone/ever where I
see.
I think I could be a mother, maybe someday. But I literally
don’t see many marriages that don’t suffer
as a result of children. And it scares and saddens me.
Saturday we went to San Jose
to see family, and at the end of the evening we all crowded in the kitchen to
drink coffee and have birthday cake, and it felt so… warm and homey. And I
looked into our future and I saw an empty kitchen. With no kids to visit or
grandkids to visit us and I wondered if that’s really what I want…
- Confused as ever =P
Why is there such a long wait for your surgery? My friend, whose number I am going to text you in minute when I find my phone, was scheduled and in and out within 2 weeks of finding the lumps and having the biopsies. You're still a whole month out and it's already been, what a month? Two months? That's way too long. What is your doctor doing, picking his nose and eating bon bons?????? Why are doctors so damn retarded lately?
ReplyDeleteYes it has been 5 weeks now.. believe it or not, I called 8 different surgeons in the area my dr would refer me to that my insurance covered and this was the soonest they could see me.
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