Today’s lunch break is a questionably smelling cabbage salad
I made yesterday and hard boiled egg whites.
And I forgot to wear deodorant today, I just noticed. LOL.
God, it is so easy to want to start a journal entry with
complaints!
But I stopped my pity party thought process before I started
typing it so, yay for me!
The past two days I’ve MADE myself get out of bed at 7:30, a gigantic feat. It accomplished at
least not being woken up by pain. I
hate that alarm, but it’s better than stabbing and searing pains in my chest. I’ve
been lazy. I’ve been hurting, but I’ve also been lazy. Not to my credit, I had to get up, due to meetings and early
doctor appointments. But I think I will just leave the alarm the way it is. I’m
going to be hurting regardless of if I lay for another hour or two or if I go
into work earlier, so up earlier it is.
I got a new medication yesterday (I mentioned at the end)
that kicked my ass, way too strong. I’ll have to start cutting those in half… I
questioned whether I should even drive myself home yesterday evening, I felt so
foggy. However, the residual effect (even hours later) was that when Scar at
full speed pounced on my half laying form last night, paws colliding mercilessly
with my chest, the pain wasn’t nearly as bad as I expected it to be, and I only
half got the wind knocked out of me.
Actually, I’ve been battling the pity-party thought process since
yesterday evening. I was sitting on the couch feeling sorry for myself when I
realized how miserable it was making me, and to shut up and focus on all the
things I’m grateful for. It worked.
I started thinking about my over all health, I’m not
terminally ill, I have all my limbs functioning… I need to stop and remember
that more often than I want to bury my face in a pillow and wail about my pain.
I began to think of Matt, and how incredibly lightening-doesn’t-strike-twice
lucky I am to be in such a happy marriage, to not be in a home where
quarrelling happens, where frustrations of the day aren’t taken out on me, but
rather neatly compartmentalized in a box left at his office… To be able to turn
on my heater last night and not fret about the electric bills… I am so
unfathomably unworthy of my blessings that I am overwhelmed when I try to count
them, and I’m sitting on a couch in front of a giant flat screen feeling sorry
for myself? I chastised myself briefly and then felt peace. It worked, making myself stop the pity party and
remember how good I have it.
Yes, physically things are crap at the moment, but they
could be worse. Overall, I’m still a happy woman, with a job, a full time
husband with a full time career, a cozy home and my broken-in-the-head dog.
I’m going to apply myself to remembering that more often
throughout the day, every day.
Ya know, I almost included a bit about blessing counting in my comment yesterday, but I decided not to, just because I felt you needed to go through this PROCESS and not have me or anyone else tell you how to feel. But I'm DELIGHTED you came to this conclusion on your own:
ReplyDeleteIt's not that bad. It sucks, but it's not that bad.
A teenager died in the freezing outdoors outside Lake Tahoe this week in a hunting-trip-with-uncle-gone-disasterously-wrong.
You are alive, loved, cherished, sheltered, have health insurance, live rather close to excellent health care services, young with lots of life ahead of you, privileged in many ways, smart, and live in a free society.
None of this means your burden right now doesn't suck or that you're not allowed to think it does.
But your job is to not become enveloped in it. Your job is to take care of yourself, to do what you need to do, to make good decisions, to be strong, and to keep your perspective.
I'm confident you can and will do so.
You always know about the words accidental death stories??
ReplyDeleteLOL
But thank you, you are very right. And I'm glad I'm coming to this conclusion from within, not from with outside influences.
:)
Yeah, I guess I'm two for two on tragic accidental death stories this week...
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you know this, but I brought one to your attention to make a point about keeping things in perspective and another to make a point about being careful out there in the ocean (and because I worry).