Pissed, uncensored.

I feel like SHIT tonight.

Be prepared for an angry, dismal post.

From a work standpoint, it was a good day. Put out three proposals. Dealt with impressive new standards of incompetence from somebody that’s apparently done this for years, constantly beeping my office for help from a “college graduate” and even though I love the person, couldn’t help but want to unplug my phone. Why? Why you ask?! Well. I’m not getting paid for this job like I thought I was so… I don’t know what the fuck I’m getting paid to stress out about? I have my own workload let alone figuring out a middle aged memory-addled “college graduate”s workload.

Everything WAS going well today until that. Until I was working on proposals for work I won’t get paid for and then having to deal with more work I… oh yea. Won’t get paid for.

I had to drive from North Highlands to Stockton Blvd in rush hour traffic to get a prescription that couldn’t be transferred to the Walgreens next to my house because their shitty systems were down. I called in the refill TWO hours before I even left. Took me 30 minutes in rush hour traffic to get there, and then… hahaha…

as I walked IN to the Walgreens some ghetto-ass, baby-mama with her cooch hangin out her hooker leopard print MINI SKIRT was coming OUT of the ENTRANCE and not only had the deficient understanding of literacy about her to comment to me to “WATCH WHERE YOU GOIN!” But then stand directly in my way as I attempted to enter.

To that most likely welfare suckling, STD carrying and over-breeding ingrate: Your pimp doesn’t pay for your breaks to buy off-brand makeup at the best drugstore establishment on your bus route, so please kindly get back on your corner and suck a dick.

Of course, with complete understanding that zoo animals often turn violent for no fucking reason, I kept my mouth shut.

I proceeded to stand in line for THIRTY minutes in the pharmacy line, being loudly “complimented” by more disgusting ghetto ass Mexican and Black men, of which I  would rather slit my own wrists than to acknowledge. I was mostly worried I would be murdered before getting to my car, if they saw my wedding ring, let alone overhear a pain killer prescription. I’m assuming the street value must be at least one night’s worth of 40’s and hookers – the seemingly chosen hobby, I’ve observed.

After ONE HOUR of traffic back home and fighting tears from my frustration about work, I came home to an empty house. I knew Matt would still be at work, even though it was late… But this whole Katie thing never being home anymore and talk of her moving back in with her good for nothing husband is really depressing me.

For obvious reasons. I am terrified for her, that she may just be going back into the miserable life she had before. I’m so upset with this I can’t really even articulate my fear for her. Of course, this is out of my control. All I can do is try to love her through all of her decisions and hope for the best. I’m also putting a healthy amount of trust in Eugenes innate and profound retardation to fuck things up again, and just maybe she’ll be able to have a happy life eventually. Maybe. I’m so fucking tired of seeing my sister beat down and miserable because of him. I usually skip the holidays because of my dad. Now I’m skipping them so I don’t bring a taser and do something that will land me in jail because of him. (Good job, btw dad! Giving your blessing and encouraging her to go back to his shady ass and refusing to participate in my engagement/wedding – SO WISE.)

That is another thing I’m all hot about tonight. Last night I watched a beautiful Wedding Anniversary party thrown by some chick on one of those trashy housewife shows I watch when nothing else is on.

I liked MOST of my wedding. But I STILL CAN’T look at my wedding pictures because I see my incredibly pregnant belly and feel SO MUCH anger, frustration, sadness and pity about that whole day. About how I didn’t know I was pregnant and probably killed my own child by drinking. About how my poor aunt Donna who did literally ALL of the work of making this event happen felt out of place when my parents decided to show up last minute. How my dad waited until 15 minutes before the restaurant was almost kicking us out to show up. How he was in jeans, when he wore a Tuxedo to my sisters wedding, helped fund it, danced with her to a pre-chosen song, walked her down the isle. How he did this to me TWICE. How I will never do anything that will amount to any sort of proper response from a proud parent.

I’m glad I’m not going to the holidays. I can’t stand my family. I can’t stand what they’ve put me through and made me feel. Most of the time I’m so over it, and tonight it’s just flooding all back.

FUCK I’M ANGRY tonight.

I could literally go on and on there is so much I’m frustrated with. Stuff I shouldn’t even be bringing up, but because I’m angry it all seems to go together.

I’m really frustrated with work too.

I’m so sick of feeling like a failure. Seven months of failing at this job. I have accomplished so little, I have nothing to show for it, and I’m at the bottom of the self-fulfillment pit.

I shouldn’t even post this, but since I’m failing at everything right now, why not fail with my personal image as well.

- Glad this kind of night only happens once in a while & wishing I had had a taser earlier at Walgreens.