Abandon Hope, all ye who enter here. (Reading Dante's Inferno, seemed like a cool title.)

I was a hot emotional mess last night!

I was really irritated…actually I was seeing red mad, to the point that I exploded in tears most of the night. I found out yesterday that my sales goals were double what I thought they were and what I’ve been working my butt off to make happen at Paladin the past seven months.

I finally thought I’d reached my goal for the October and November months only to find out that not only did I come grossly under my numbers, but half of the sales I accomplished don’t even count towards commission. I don’t know how I failed so greatly at understanding what was expected of me. I won’t take full credit for this failing. I think it is partially due to someone changing shit in an email I seemed to have either overlooked or not understood to the original hire agreement. Whatever. My abilities and skills are not a joke, I’m goddamned good at what I do.

It pisses me off just thinking about it, so I’m done with this retarded subject. I’m definitely done. I hope that the seeds I’ve planted will benefit the company for Matt’s sake but this has been… the worst sales experience of all the jobs I’ve ever had. Lesson learned.

Of course this puts me in an all new level of want for this new job. I want it so bad that I’ve reconciled myself to the long hours and giving up the freedom of our random Scuba trips. I’ve had my fun, it’s time to work. For me. I need the success.  I know that my happiness depends on feeling self fulfilled. I will do whatever it takes.

So I attended the training seminar yesterday for a couple  hours that the boss man “invited” me to. I saw some people from Wells Fargo I used to work with, a guy I never didn’t like, but I never knew him well enough, my vague impression of him was the type of sales person that did shady shit just to close the deal. :shrug:

It was great. It was inspiring. A lot of the information – well more than a lot – was totally over my head, having only a vague understanding of financial planning from my WF training, but the inspiring part were all the young, ambitious people in attendance. The intimidating part was some pug-face bitchy looking chick introducing people by their college credentials, instead of first names. “Mr. Young, meet Mr. Johnson, he went to (insert ivy league) and graduated with (insert three mba’s here)”

I mean, I get  being proud of your accomplishments… but I feel that it begs the question of low self esteem… Or perhaps a false sense of entitled intelligence. Or maybe I think educated people are stuck up pricks, because I haven’t finished school.

Among my bad ideas while pissed off last night, I went drinking with my sisters at their coworkers apartment, with all their Starbucks girls and THEN my sister took me home to my PARENTS while I was unashamedly drunk… We had a good talk. I told my parents all about the interview process with Northwestern while I waited for Matt to leave patrol and come get me.

The boss man had asked me a lot about my upbringing – maybe since he couldn’t ask about my education :rolls eyes: and I told my parents what I told him about the values of work ethic I had, how my dad somehow with one income provided for all 8 of us and a home schooled education to boot. My dad is a mean old cuss, but lazy he is not. He led by example and showed me how to earn everything I have. Paid taxes on my first paycheck at 12 years old on the Church Payroll. Fucking invaluable. I will never forget that lesson. My mom was all smiles when I told her how high I’d scored on the assessment, and how I was going to be the only female working out of the Sacramento office if they hired me. I think she’s proud of my worming my way into yet another collegiate position when everyone else around me has a bachelors or higher. Same with what happened in my personal banker class with Wells, she thought it was hilarious.

Personally, I’d be pissed if I spent $40-100k on a formal education and was offered $16/hour with a bank. I’d like to think I’d laugh, light the hire agreement on fire and chase the asshole around the conference table threatening to shove it in his wanna-be expensive suit.

Maybe I DO have a grandiose sense of entitlement about my skills and THAT’S why I got so pissed off yesterday. It’s entirely possible. But I’d rather like to think I’m just an incredibly confident individual.

That sounds better.

So we are off to Monterey in a couple hours. Camping gear is packed, dive gear is packed… I’m VERY excited.

This feels like I’m getting my life back, after a month and a half of medical drama and pain, this feels like normal.

- Emotionally unstable but currently satiated.